My Free Hour and I

Even till the last minute that he showed up, I kept guessing whether or not we would actually come face to face after all- my free hour, and I. Yup, a whole hour free. This day. Today!

As he stood before me and smiled, my anticipation turned into an indignant passion. “You just disappeared from my life! You don’t miss me! How did you think I would learn to live without you?”

I wanted to be consoled. I wanted to be reassured that I would never have to live without him again. That he would never run out on me again.

Instead he touched my cheek gently, “We have but a few minutes. Is this how you want to spend them? In grievance and complaint..”

“No, no no, you are right,” I shook my head, “I want to use every single minute to the fullest!”

He laughed at me for a full 30 seconds.

This is the free hour in my life, you see. He disappears on me, and then comes back only to mock me.

“Is this how you want to spend the few minutes? Mocking me?” I say, thinking how I am just missing a cigar and a cool hat.

“Don’t be offended,” he says piping down a little, “in fact I should be the one offended. You say you want me so badly- a free hour. But now here I am before you, and you want me to be something else. You want an hour where you are ‘using’ every single minute. How is that free anymore?”

Once more I see his point. I will myself to drop everything. To be fully present with my free hour. To actually be free.

I can’t help glancing at the clock. I have a full 50 minutes to be free.

I focus on him fully. Looking softly into his eyes, at his hands, at the clouds this evening. The clouds today are less grey than yesterday- it had rained so bad last evening. And my music playlist had somehow descended into sad songs. Sad songs on a rainy night- it’s like falling into a well. What is one supposed to do when one falls into a well? Swim? Climb the wall? Shout for a rope? But who would hear the shout amid all the loud pitter-patter of the rain? It will be morning by the time the rain stops. How can one continue to swim for so long? Swim, but get nowhere. Swim to stay from drowning. Swim…

And so this goes on for a long time, till I catch his eye. My free hour is looking at me with such pity in his eyes. My feverish reverie is broken. The clock tells me I have made the last 45 minutes disappear into thin air.

He sighs…a long sigh. “I think I made a mistake coming here today..”

I know I have messed up, and fumble for excuses. “Easy to blame me. You wanted me to be free, and do nothing.”

“But you are not free, here,” he taps his temple with his index finger, “ And free time cannot make you free.”

The truth in his statement makes me want to kill him. “Oh, so now I am the problematic one, not you? I, who constantly yearn for you? While you are off, God knows where?”

“You yearn for me when I am not here. And think of others when you have me,” he says, “That’s cheating, you know.”

I am looking for something to hit him with.

“I am no good for you,” he says, “Free time is useless to you, till you learn to be free first.”

“Wow, I should be free without free time! That’s great,” I throw my hands up.

“Yeah, c’mon you know this. When did you last feel truly free?”

Truly free, truly free.. ah, yes I know what that feels like.

“When I was Vanessa,” I say.

“Who is Vanessa?” he says, genuinely caught off-guard for the first time in the last hour we have been together.

“I was auditioning to be this character in a movie. I had such performance anxiety.. I was so scared and so self-conscious that I jumped completely out of my own body and simply became her. Nobody could judge me now, I felt, and I could do nothing wrong- I was not there, it was only Vanessa. I felt truly free.”

He heard, said nothing for a long time, just nodded slightly. “So you were free when you were doing something scary, public and intense..” he said thoughtfully.

“Yes,” I said, my lower lip quivering a little because it was almost time for him to leave now. “But I do still need you, I swear! You have to believe me.”

“I will visit,” he said, and left.

Left, too soon, as always. With the discomfort of untied loose ends, as always.

Leaving a lingering feeling that we didn’t get enough of each other. Nor gave enough of ourselves. One of these days, our time together will be as idyllic as I fantasize every day. We will get it right. My free hour and I.

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