Tough Moms Ad: Going All Out the Wrong Way

All-Out recently produced an ad asking people to stand in support of mothers when they are being tough with their children to drive home important life-lessons. While the message itself is refreshing to hear, the story-line of the ad creates a lot of confusion.

The ‘tough’ mom is reviled and humiliated most unceremoniously by the entire family for being too harsh on her child for stealing. She keeps listening with her head bowed and continuing to serve chappatis even as her parents are insulted. Eventually the patriarch stands up for her (saying nothing to his own son or brother, but by insulting his own wife, with a veiled threat of taking away her food if he so wanted) and we are given to believe that all is well.One can see that the intent of the ad is to drive this message even in conservative families (as shown in the ad), however the execution is problematic in that it is not just ill-conceptualized, but it is in fact self-defeating.

Moms not being supported by family members when they are being tough on kids, is not the disease. It is a symptom. Why don’t family members support the woman’s right to set boundaries for her own child? Because they do not recognize her authority. Period. They do not believe she has that right; they do not see her as an authority figure in any capacity; and especially when it comes to children, they belong to the man’s family. That should be clear enough from the child’s surname, duh.

In short, the underlying disease, is patriarchy- the very thing the ad uses as the crutch to eventually lend support to the mother’s choice to discipline her child. Without the blessings of patriarchy, it is not able to uphold its own validity. She must be right to discipline her child because the patriarch says so. And what if he didn’t agree with her?

Here’s a radical notion: Nobody needs to agree with her approach, let alone provide vocal validation, for her to be able to do her job. They just need to recognize her authority. It is entirely possible to disagree with a family member’s approach to something and still be civil and respectful, even cordial. Radical, isn’t it?

So how could the ad have looked like alternatively, you wonder? Well, please see below not one, but four different alternatives with analysis of their pros and cons. Pick whichever one you like best (or a completely new one)!

Alternate Scenario 1

*Mom-in-law(MIL) lets it rip about ill-treatment of her grandson at hands of evil daughter-in-law (DIL)*

DIL: “MIL, it’s happening again. We spoke about it, remember, and we agreed to present a united front as adults before the kid? Remember the way I stood up for you last week when your grandson called you boring and outdated because you didn’t know about Pokemon?

I know that in most situations you are probably just replaying the record as it happened with you when you were DIL. So I forgive you. But we chicas got to stick together! We don’t need to even like each other, but this about the tribe of women everywhere.

And all you other ingrates around the table- I hope you are not using the same tone and tenor with the workers at your factory, or they will go on strike again like last year. I have noticed you are much nicer to them since then. It’s giving me ideas of my own.

I am now settling down to enjoy my own dinner. Please serve yourselves.”

In the background, the song plays, “Jab DIL MIL-e, DIL MIL-e, MIL DIL-e..”

Pros: It’s kinda nice to know the woman cast as central character is able to speak. It also sets a nice precedent of, you know, speaking women.

Cons: Awful background music- not funny. I’m sure I’m missing some other cons, but cannot figure it for now.

Alternate Scenario 2

MIL/ any other concerned family member walks over to DIL after dinner:

“Hey thanks, loved the food tonight. There’s something I wanted to say to you, but didn’t think it would be appropriate in front of everyone, especially the kid. Look ultimately you are the parent and get to finally decide, but I thought it was a bit harsh. I am a strong believer of using words only with kids. And I feel bad that he has still not eaten.”

DIL: “I hear ya. Thanks, let me think about it. I am also thrown off by what he did and trying to figure out the best approach for him to learn.”

Pros: A woman who can speak and listen! Alleluia. Open respectful conversation in family about how to raise children.

Cons: Kinda non-dramatic. But can be pepped up with great background music. I’ll refrain from suggesting.

Alternate scenario 3

Amid all the mud-slinging and finger-wagging at the DIL, the child gets up, rushes to the mother and hugs her tight. He says, “I’m sorry.”

Because, you see, a child will typically not be able to stand their mother being insulted.

Pros: Even if some say that the current and older generation of adults are beyond repair, a reminder that children are the future and can change things. And that children, too, have a voice, though it is common for women and children to not be taken seriously.

In case only non-speaking ladies are available for signing the ad, this scenario still works.

Cons: Paints the adults as beyond reason and improvement.

Alternate scenario 4

The husband/ any one of the other 10 random characters around the table intervenes among all the jibes, gets up, brings in a flipboard and draws the following diagram:

*Clears throat*

Attention everyone, I think this is a good moment to go over this framework once again, which we learnt during family therapy. May I remind you once again to only agitate about things which are in your circle of control? We simply cannot afford any higher doses of hypertension medication around this table.

Actions of DIL here, a fully functional human being of 30-something years of age, are clearly not within your circle of control. If anything, her actions are within your circle of influence, however given the tactics you are applying, you are also in danger of losing your influence.

Pros: Good use of any of the characters who are anyway getting paid without saying anything so far. Works even if a non-speaking lady has been signed on. Mass education on stress management and mental health framework.

Cons: Ok, who am I kidding? We are more likely to discuss colour and texture of faeces around the dinner table, than mental health.

PS: Erm, forget the last line. We’ve never discussed that on the dinner table. Almost never.